The Law and Order Picture Show
by majhoulihan
Summary: Three guesses...


The Law and Order Picture Show : L&O Fan Fiction by Major Houlihan The Law and Order Picture Show by Major Houlihan 

_Give yourself over to absolute pleasure...and to the Manhattan District Attorney's office._ Come on, people. You knew this had to happen eventually. This undertaking is not only proof that I have way too much time on my hands, but it is also a parody of _Law and Order_ and _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. I don't claim it to be the best thing I've written, but if you are vaguely familiar with either fandom I hope you at least get a chuckle out of it.

All _Law and Order_ and _Law and Order: Special Victims Unit_ characters represented herein are the property of Wolf Films, NBC and MCA/Universal. _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ is copyright 20th Century Fox.

  


The Cast

Dr. Frank-N-Furter......................Detective Rey Curtis  
Janet Weiss.............................ADA Claire Kincaid  
Brad Majors.............................EADA Jack McCoy  
Riff Raff...............................Captain Donald Cragen  
Magenta.................................ADA Abbie Carmichael  
Columbia................................ADA Jamie Ross  
Dr. Everett V. Scott....................Detective Lennie Briscoe  
Rocky Horror............................Detective Mike Logan  
Eddie...................................Detective Tony Profaci  
Criminologist...........................EADA Benjamin Stone  
Ralph Hapschatt.........................Detective Brian Cassidy (SVU)  
Betty Munroe............................Detective Olivia Benson (SVU)

_A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...on the eighth day, God said, "Let there be Chris Noth." And there was, and he was good. Damn good._

_SCENE ONE: We fade in to a riotous party in an unamed Manhattan bar, where various members of the New York District Attorney's office, Special Victims Unit and 27th precinct officers and celebrating the marriage of Betty Munroe and Ralph Hapschatt. Wild disco music blares from an unseen jukebox while people drink and dance and revel in the happy moment. BRAD MAJORS, executive assistant district attorney, sits alone in the foreground at the bar nursing a high-ball glass of bourbon._

**RALPH:** (sneaks up on Brad, who chokes on a mouthful of bourbon) Hey, Brad! Can you believe it? I really did it. I'm a married man!

**BRAD:** (trying to be happy for Ralph, yet unsmiling) Yes, you certainly are. (sotto voice) Among other things.

**RALPH:** Yeah, and to think I owe all of this to you.

**BRAD:** (raising an eyebrow) How so?

**RALPH:** Well, I guess it's just the little things you do, plus all the little shotglasses of scotch I've seen you drink at this very bar night after night after night. I guess watching you, all alone and miserable, drinking yourself into oblivion inspired me to do the exact opposite in my life and be happy. (Ralph slaps Brad on the back) You saved my life, pal! Had I not been so repulsed by your behavior, I don't think I _ever_ would have gotten the courage to ask Betty out!

**BRAD:** (slugging down the rest of his drink, resisting the urge to sock Ralph in the nose) Anything for a friend, Hapshit. I mean, Hapschatt.

_A chorus of female voices swells in one corner of the bar as BETTY MUNROE teases the single female partygoers with her bouquet. With one graceful movement BETTY whirls around and tosses the bouquet over her shoulder. Several hands clamor for the flowers but they wind up with a jubilant JANET WEISS._

**JANET:** (extremely excited) I got it! I got it!

**BRAD:** (leaning into the bar with a sly grin, to himself) If this party shuts down soon, you'll certainly be _getting_ it.

**RALPH:** (watching Janet from afar, grinning at Brad) Say, big fella!

**BRAD:** (suddenly suspicious) How would _you_ know?

**RALPH:** (ignoring him, crooking his head toward Janet) There's hope for you after all. I know Janet could fill a big void in your life.

**BRAD:** (thinking of how much he'd like to fill Janet's "void" and smiling) Yeah, I suppose you're right.

_The wedding reception continues, and eventually trickles down to about ten people, then five, then just BRAD and JANET sitting at the bar. JANET is still fondling her bouquet._

**JANET:** Oh, Brad, wasn't that a beautiful wedding?

**BRAD:** (concentrating on his seventeenth drink) Oh, about as beautiful as a trip to the county clerk's office can be, I suppose.

**JANET:** (starry-eyed) Betty just looked so beautiful...she was practically glowing.

**BRAD:** She was probably just drunk or something. One would have to be to commit to Ralph Hapschatt.

**JANET:** (stroking the bouquet's flower petals) I just love weddings, Brad, but they make me cry, too. I don't know, sometimes I just feel something in my life is missing whenever I see two people pledging their eternal love.

_She looks longingly at BRAD, who suddenly sits up straight._

**BRAD:** You know, Janet, you are absolutely right.

**JANET:** (elated) I am?

**BRAD:** Yeah. You know, all throughout the party I was just sitting here while Ralph yammered on in my ear about something or other. I tried to ignore him like I usually do, but this time something he said just wouldn't go away. He mentioned that the most important thing to him was to be happy.

_BRAD leaps off his stool as three of the BAR STAFF, all of whom look very similar to some characters we'll see later, emerge from the back room to close the bar._

**BRAD:** You know what would _really_ make me happy, Janet?

**JANET:** (breathless) For you to get elected district attorney and kick your drinking habit, so we could get married and live happily ever after?

**BRAD:** Uh, no. I was just thinking that having sex makes me happy, and that we should commit ourselves to having more. Like right now.

**JANET:** Oh. (brightening) Okay.

_BRAD grabs his jacket with one hand and JANET with the other, and they exit into the bleak, rainy Manhattan night as the BAR STAFF watch, nudging each other in the sides and imagining a high-charged night of sexual activity for our heros. If they only knew._

_SCENE TWO: The Criminologist's Office, which looks remarkably like the office of the EADA. The CRIMINOLOGIST looks up from a stack of papers and faces the camera._

**CRIMINOLOGIST:** In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally-important groups...

_The phone rings._

**CRIMINOLOGIST:** (looking at phone, perplexed) Uh, excuse me a moment. (answers, to phone) Stone here. Yes? I thought I _was_ reading the script. (a pause) There's _another_ script? Where? (shuffles a stack of papers on his desk) What, _this_ piece of crap in the yellow folder? _This_ is why you clowns called me back? (listens some more) Uh-huh, uh-huh, well what if I don't want to do it? (listens some more) Well, what if I _like_ doing dinner theater in Calgary? Oh, all right, just don't expect me to put this on my resume!

_The CRIMINOLOGIST slams down the receiver and takes a moment to recompose himself before facing the camera again._

**CRIMINOLOGIST:** I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey as yet unprecedented in any court of law. 

_SCENE THREE: BRAD and JANET are driving down a dark road at night. It is raining outside and BRAD is squinting to see through the winshield._

**JANET:** So how much longer 'til we get to the hotel?

**BRAD:** Not much longer now. 

**JANET:** (sighing) I still don't see why we just couldn't have gone back to my place. I mean, driving out to the middle of nowhere to have sex...

**BRAD:** (annoyed) Damn it, Janet! If we went back to your place the story would be over.

**JANET:** (trying to absorb the logic of it all) Oh, yeah.

_A motorcycle passes them going up the road._

**JANET:** Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us. They sure do take their lives into their own hands, what with the bad weather.

**BRAD:** Yes, Janet, life's pretty cheap to that...HEY! That's _my_ motorcycle!

_BRAD hits the gas and the car goes flying after the motorcycle, which has disappeared around a corner. BRAD tracks the motorcycle to a large castle._

**JANET:** (gaping at the castle) This doesn't look like the Sleep 'N' Screw. Where's the pool?

**BRAD:** (getting out of the car) Come on! Let me at that motorcycle thief!

_SCENE FOUR: The Criminologist's Office; the CRIMINOLOGIST is reading the __Variety_ want ads when he looks up to discover he is on.

**CRIMINOLOGIST**: Oh, come on! You don't really need _me_ to tell you what's going to happen here. They'll knock on the door, some bozo will answer and let them in, and there'll be this big, tacky musical number that'll make anything done on Oscar night look good.

_The phone rings again._

**CRIMINOLOGIST**: (to the phone) Shut up!

_SCENE FIVE: Front door of the castle; BRAD rings the doorbell._

**BRAD**: First I'll find the guy who stole my bike and beat the crap out of him. Then I'll call down Profaci to arrest the guy for theft, and then I'll take the bike to the hotel while you drive the car.

**JANET**: I can't handle a stick.

**BRAD**: (muttering) A likely story.

_The door opens and RIFF RAFF pokes his head outside._

**RIFF RAFF**: WHAT!?

**BRAD**: (pointing to his motorcycle) See that bike? That's _my_ motorcycle and somebody in this castle stole it.

_RIFF RAFF, however, is concentrating on JANET_.

**RIFF RAFF**: (to JANET) You're wet.

**BRAD**: Hence the need to hurry.

**RIFF RAFF**: I think you both better perhaps come inside. After all, if you don't the story's over.

**JANET**: Oh, yeah.

_BRAD and JANET enter the foyer. RIFF RAFF is now flanked by MAGENTA and COLUMBIA._

**JANET**: (gawking at their surroundings) Brad, what kind of place is this?

**BRAD**: Looks like Adam Schiff's place.

**RIFF RAFF**: This way.

_RIFF RAFF leads everybody to an elevator_.

**BRAD**: (suspicious) Wait a minute. Where's the big, tacky musical number?

**MAGENTA**: We had to cut it. It's not in the budget.

**COLUMBIA**: Yeah, we'd have had enough money if Dick Wolf didn't go around creating new shows. (slams the elevator door shut) By the way, don't bring it up when you meet Frank. We had to cut his big number, too, and he's still sore about it.

**JANET**: I can imagine. I mean, to have a big musical number just taken away from you like that...

**MAGENTA**: Actually, he's sore because of the high heels he's got on. They're a size too small.

_SCENE SIX: Frank 'N' Furter's laboratory; everybody exits the elevator and BRAD and JANET look up to see all the TRANSYLVANIANS lining the balcony above. They are all dressed like plainclothes detectives with plaid ties. FRANK-N-FURTER stands at the elevator to greet his guests._

**FRANK**: Magenta, Columbia, go and assist Riff-Raff. (smirking) I shall entertain our new friends.

_FRANK reaches out to shake hands when a phone rings._

**FRANK**: (annoyed) One second. (answer the phone) Furter. Uh-huh, uh-huh, we _are_ hurrying it up, they just got here. What's that? No, I don't want to do _The Odd Couple_ with you in Calgary. (hangs up) Okay, people. We're a bit pressed for time, so it looks as though we'll have to cut short the dramatic introduction of my latest creation. (sulking, muttering to himself) Stupid budget cuts.

**JANET**: (hugging BRAD tightly) Oh, Brad, I'm so scared! This place gives me the creeps.

**BRAD**: I tell you what gives _me_ the creeps is finding out who ride my motorcycle here. If it's the guy with the afro and the fishnets, then I'm going to have the seat cleaned.

_FRANK, COLUMBIA, MAGENTA, and RIFF-RAFF are assembled by the tank where ROCKY lies. It is apparent that nobody really has their heart in it anymore as they prepare to bring the being to life._

**FRANK**: Right, let's start this puppy--

**VOICE**: Cut!

_Everyone looks around to see who is shouting, and gasps of surprise fill the room when DICK WOLF enters with an entourage of set designers and other workers._

**DICK**: (to his workers) Okay, let's strike this set. (to everybody else) All right, everybody out. Let's go, move it. Time is money here.

**BRAD**: What? What the hell is going on?

**DICK**: Just got the green light from NBC, they okayed my latest series: _Law and Order: The West Wing_. It's all about life in the White House from the Secret Service's point of view.

**JANET**: Wait a minute, wasn't there already a show like that, called _DAG_?

**DICK**: (smug) And it didn't last long because _I_ wasn't involved. (ticking names off fingers) Then after that, we start work on _Law and Order: The Real World_, _Law and Order: Live at Budokan_, and _Law and Order: Beating a Dead Horse_.

_All around the set is being dismantled to everybody's shock and confusion. EDDIE wheels in DR. SCOTT from a side entrance. Both are livid._

**EDDIE**: Hey, what about us? We didn't even get to our parts yet!

**DR. SCOTT**: I gave up _The Producers_ for this, you clod. Now what?

**DICK**: Don't worry, four new series means plenty of new jobs with guaranteed syndication rights and residuals. (leaves) Anyone who wants a job can follow me.

_Everybody stands still for a few seconds, then there is a mad rush out the door as the principal cast and all the TRANSYLVANIANS rush for the exit. ROCKY, alone in the tank, finally stands up and rips the bandages from his head._

**ROCKY**: (confused) Hey, where is everybody?

_On cue, the four principals from _Sex and the City_ enter, pouting and preening._

**CARRIE**: There you are! Where have you been?

_ROCKY stares straight into the camera with a frightened look on his face and screams bloody murder. Fade out._

_SCENE SEVEN: The Criminologist's Office_

**CRIMINOLOGIST**: And crawling upon the Earth's face, some insects called the human race...

_At this moment the entire crew comes running through the set._

**CRIMINOLOGIST**: What's this? Where's everybody going?

**CREW MEMBER**: Dick Wolf's office. Those jobs for his new shows are filling up fast.

_The CRIMINOLOGIST looks down at the script he's been reading and throws it down, following everyone else out the door._

THE END  Written 2000-01 Major Houlihan  



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